Manage

Finances, car trouble, raising children, whats for dinner, these are all things that I worry about on a daily basis. Why can't my life just be manageable? I worry about what I will wear, and where I will go, what I will do, and how tall the grass is (because the army will TEAR us up if the grass gets too long) Looking over the past week, I realized I'm trying to handle all of this on my own. Why do I struggle so much with handing it over to God? Sometimes I hand it over, but then I take it back within a few short days (or hours) Do I not trust Him? Do I think that I can do a better job than he can? Am I afraid that he is too busy? Or that he won't care? Or that maybe it won't work?

All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord. Romans 8:28
Then why God? Why?! Why has my life been plagued with divorce, abuse, bad luck, late bills, flat tires, sickness, addiction, messiness, a broken family, guilt and shame? Why can't my life just be manageable???........... Maybe because if my life is manageable, I'm just gonna manage it. I won't need His help. I'll stop seeking His kingdom. That is my biggest fear.

Easter Sunday always seems to spark a renewing for me. Have you watched "The Passion" lately? If not, now would be a great time. (personally, I watch it every 3 or 4 months, when I start getting too comfortable) It gives me a good kick in the pants to remind me of the price that was paid for me. Jesus didn't die on the cross so I could manage my life alone. Too not take full advantage of his desire to have a personal relationship with me is a sin. Sin is something I'm very good at. Luckily, Jesus forgives freely.

In closing, I want to let everybody know that putting ALL of my hope in God was the best decision I have ever made. He has never let me down. We are making it month after month on our budget (even though sometimes it doesn't make sense on paper) Nick is growing and learning by leaps and bounds (Jack too) Looking back on my prayer journal God has worked everything out....just like he always has. And even when things turn out terrible, he still provides the laughter.

Well......

I haven't blogged recently because I haven't been sure what to say. I made it almost 48 hours without smoking and then broke down. As of today, I am smoking as much as before. Wish I had something more positive and inspiring to say.....but i don't. In the mean time, I plan on trying with medication and a support group (my first attempt was cold turkey) Apparently the first three days are the hardest......I was almost there. Rome wasn't built in a day. So, I will get up, dust myself off, and try again.

My next blog isn't going to be about smoking.
Thanks everyone for all the encouragement and prayers.......don't give up on me yet

24 hour update

Sound Amplifies when you're trying to quit smoking. The soft tick tock of my living room clock was deafening. Even my husband's breathing got on my nerves (sorry honey) The worst was when I took my dog, minnie, out for her morning walk and I heard the neighbor across the street light up his cigarette. The flick of the lighter nearly made me jump out of my skin.

Driving proceeded to be my next hurdle. Any smoker will tell you that the best time to smoke is while you drive. I couldn't agree more. Today, I just happened to leave my house at 7 am and made the 1 and 1/2 hour drive from Ft. Campbell to hendersonville. (my mother kept my children last night and I was picking them up) The sound of my engine turning over made me want to light up. As well as the sound of my transmission shifting, others passing me......heck, even Pearl Jam on the radio. Everything was tempting me to smoke. Guess what? I didn't do it. I made it all the way.

The rest of my day has consisted of chomping gum, arranging and rearranging various drawers throughout my house. Stuffing my face with food and latch hooking......thats right, I said latch hooking. For about 6 bucks I got the best "quitters friend" that you can think of. My bart simpson latch hook. What a great way to keep my hands busy! (and I almost done with it.....looks like ill be making another trip to Michaels tomarrow)
Thanks everyone for the prayers. I am not out of the hot zone yet

My Bondage

Many of you know, but most of you don't. I have been a smoker for almost 10 years. It started as an attempt to be "cool" (so cliche, I know) After the birth of my first son Nick (I didn't smoke during my pregnancy) I started to hide my horrible habit. I've continued to hide for several years. God has gently been telling me to quit here lately. My first step in quiting I feel, is to come clean to those who don't know.

Several of you know that I am a Christian. This is what has been nagging my soul the most. How can I possibly "minister" to people if I am a slave to smoking? bond-age (noun) the state of one who is bound as a slave or serf. Its true, I try to conceal my habit. I omit from certain people (especially my "church" friends) there have been times, I am ashamed to admit, that I have even lied about it. For years Ive harbored the notion that smoking is not "that bad of a sin," I have been wrong. Whenever I am happy, I want to smoke. Whenever I am sad, I want to smoke. Whenever I am (fill in the blank here) I want to smoke. Enough.

I am to the point that I despise smoking. I am killing myself. I am setting a bad example for my children. I am disappointing God. I AM DONE. But I know I can't do this alone. What I need the most is your prayer. I claimed to be Christian, by the way, not "perfect." So please don't judge me.
Well, I am off to the gas station now to buy gum. Lots of Gum.
And I know that one day, I will look back on this post and laugh. I will be "smoke free" and God will be glorified again.